Why now? Why now?
Whenever a woman comes forward with her story of sexual harassment, this is the first question she faces. OK, maybe second – after a variation of “Are you a lying whore?”
At least we agree. But on behalf of all survivors everywhere, of any gender, identity or age, let me give you the complete answers to “Why now?”
Survivors come forward now, anytime now, because they have reached a point of recovery where they are faced with the inevitable “lying whore” accusation that is worse than watching their abuser walk around as if that person is not a dangerous, vicious criminal who will hurt someone else if left unchecked.
Whether it’s in Congress, on a movie set, in the halls of their school – wherever that hunter lives his life without consequences – there is a survivor who has been trembling in the shadows of his life, feeling pain, wanting to shout to the world that this person is not what he seems.
But the price of that loyalty has been rising. Very steep. Even after #MeToo.
Ask Cassie Ventura. Ask Jennifer Siebel Newsom. Ask E. Jean Carroll. Dolores Huerta. Simone Biles.
Even strong women cannot escape blowback, fear. Even strong women get angry over and over again with the strong assumption that they are lying, and there is an ulterior motive for coming out in the open at this point.
Imagine you are an ordinary person who holds that secret. Who among us can stand alone against a rich and powerful man whose freedom depends on destroying our loyalty?
P. Diddy. Harvey Weinstein. Donald Trump. Cesar Chavez. Larry Nassar. Eric Swalwell.
Those men know power, and they know how to use it.
“He thought he was untouchable. He acted completely reckless. He never thought the consequences of his actions would follow him,” Ally Sammarco, one of the women who spoke out against Swalwell (who previously denied allegations of misconduct), told CBS.
That’s why the women of the Epstein files stayed silent for so long. That’s why there are thousands of people who have been raped right now who have never spoken about what they endured, and probably never will.
“Why now?” it’s just a more palatable version of the “lying slut,” a question based on ignorance of how trauma — and society — works. The question was not meant to reveal the truth, but to feed Jezebel’s busy men always trying to escape justice.
Here’s the truth about sexual harassment: There is no right way to respond to it, no right time. There is no single reaction that proves it happened or creates the best situation that will protect the dignity of the survivor while bringing justice to the attacker. In fact, there is absolutely no way to respond to sexual assault that won’t bring about secondary trauma.
Wait years and face contempt – that it didn’t happen, it wasn’t serious, it’s going to come out now with some agenda, like politics or money.
Report quickly and prepare every move, every smile, every drink, to be tested for signs that this, if not approved, was somehow appropriate – a gray area of shared responsibility.
Imagine, in a moment of tragic vulnerability, when your body is violated and your mind is struggling to find a safe place, overwhelmed by these accusations, expressed or implied, that you brought this upon yourself.
“Why now?” becomes “Why do you ask?”
Even when the situation is one where there is no defense — like UCLA gynecologist James Heaps, who pleaded guilty Tuesday to sexually assaulting five of his patients during exams — the costs of reporting are dire. That case has dragged on for years, leaving each victim to constantly remember their worst moments, always fearing that all their courage will be lost.
That’s why survivors don’t appear often. Maybe they need time to regroup, even just a little bit. Maybe your fear of all that social scrutiny is overblown. Maybe they fear they won’t be believed, and their attacker will be free to hurt them again.
Maybe they want it all to go away. Perhaps they regret it, and are crippled by unfounded shame.
There are many reasons why survivors remain silent – and none of them is because it didn’t happen, or because they’re lying.
Lonna Drewes, the Beverly Hills model who came forward Tuesday with allegations that Swalwell drugged and raped her in 2018, sums up the experiences of many, many survivors.
“I didn’t want to live anymore,” he said of how he felt after the attack. “I’ve been crying for years.”
So here is the real answer to “Why now?” in the victim’s statement read by one of Heap’s survivors in court.
“What you intended to break, you didn’t,” he said.
This is the answer to “Why now?” Because bravery and courage in the heart of the survivor was wounded but not defeated.
Because he doesn’t want it to happen to someone else.
Because she deserves to be free from her secrets: The ones she was forced to keep out of fear of him, but so are we.
