When I was growing up, my father would have a quick breakfast with us before disappearing to work. He would show up after 6pm, seemingly gone. A highlight reel of my childhood memories: throwing the ball around in the backyard, really good family dinners, and the times he watches me lose tennis matches and declares, “You’re not good at all.” Wow.
There is this eternal tug of war between fathers between time and money. And I’m going to make a controversial claim: the father is actually to blame even worse there is a mother’s fault. Mothers who stay at home do not stay awake wondering if their children are being neglected, because they are right, they are not being neglected.
Working mothers, however, probably bear the brunt of the blame, as there is no human experience like literally creating a life. But I’m a father, so I’ll just write from my perspective.
Before we go any further, let’s find out what kind of father you are. Because this post is not for everyone equally.
Type 1: The Working Dad
You know who you are. A mortgage is not an option. Children’s school is not free. He is on a plane and not because he likes airport food but because one has to keep all the work funded. You miss naps and school games and feel bad about it.
This section is for you, and the news is good.
Type 2: Father Greedy for Money, Status, and Fame
You also know who you are. You just came back from two months of “doing a lot of work” while your wife or partner runs the household, attends every soccer game, handles every 2 a.m. fever, and quietly puts everything together. You came home full of chocolates from the airport and strong opinions about your adventure.
Or maybe it wasn’t working at all. Maybe it was a boondoggle at some exotic destination you’ve been posting about since the trip was booked. Or on the weekend driving exotic cars with your friends while your kids wait all week to spend time with you.
Whenever there’s a school event, or any room with other adults, you come with a new highlighted reel ready to go. The race. A journey. Deals. A large portfolio benefits. No one asked, but we’re ten minutes in and you’re still going on about how great your life is while your kids are away.
Your LinkedIn is “Founder,” or “Senior VP,” or “Managing Director,” or, even funnier, “FIRE Daddy.” Your party chat is a scrapbook of personal accomplishments, not an uncomfortable email sitting in your inbox from your son’s teacher about his misbehavior in class.
This section is also yours, but not in a positive way.
Fathers Do Twice the Care Their Fathers Used to Do for Children
Now let’s look at some charts that show how fathers today compare to previous generations. The details come from an article by Aziz Sunderji and Derek Thompson, two fathers who did the research.
For the wives or partners out there rolling their eyes because their husbands aren’t doing enough, at least progress is being made.
Here’s something really encouraging, especially for Type 1: dads today do 2X the childcare of the previous generation. Where does this time come from? A little TV, a few books, and a real miracle – 82 minutes less real office work per day.
COVID has brought one gift that keeps on giving: the era of working from home, where “working from home” is a phrase used with great creative freedom. For three years I played pickleball during the day with full-time adults who were, technically, on the clock.
The chart shows an additional 38 minutes of working from home, leaving a suspicious gap of 44 minutes of inactivity. One of those times seems to be towards children.
Fathers also do an additional 29 minutes of housework per day. Light clapping.
For type 2, this data is not so flattering. Because if a working dad gets an extra 44 minutes for his kids when, you know, he’s actually at home, then two months in Vietnam to “disrupt the supply chain” is a choice, not a necessity. Treat it or change it, but don’t post it on instagram.
Dads Actually Enjoy Childcare More Than Watching TV
Fathers line up to care for children above television and participate in the entertainment scale. Yes they do.
Watching your baby roll over for the first time. He let go of the bicycle seat and watched them continue. These are not things you trade for a Netflix binge or a networking dinner. Introducing a child to something new and watching them click is more satisfying than any promotion or bonus. But here’s the catch: you have to be there to experience it.
Type 1 dads get this automatically, even if the job doesn’t allow them to do anything about it.
Type 2 dads have heard first-hand what happens with this practice. Some even mention it in a toast at their friend’s wedding. The real experience, however, needs to be there – visual, unpleasant, repetitive, deeply familiar which does not make for a good story in Davos.
Great Resources for Moms to Do Difficult Child Care
This chart spoke to me because it is accurate. Moms still manage doctor’s appointments, school fights, the invisible things that hold childhood together. After one year, I started to hate taking my kids to the doctor’s office, so I stopped going.
So that I don’t feel like an absentee father, my personal contribution to the health care of children is the transport of workers. I drive, get off, find a parking space, wait outside for hours as a vigilant driver, sometimes with snacks. Is it like being in a room? No, but it helps ease my guilt.
The fathers have remained silent pleasure taking care of children. Three hours in the pool or on the tennis court is much easier than two hours in the waiting room keeping a restless child occupied. That’s the real struggle, and moms still use it a lot. This was my biggest blind spot during my eight years as a stay at home dad. The time spent is not the same.
Type 1 dads: this is an area to improve. Block the calendar. Make homework sessions. Stay in the waiting room. It’s not pickleball but a job.
Type 2 fathers: your wife / partner has been doing all this, and your share, for months. The airport chocolates were a great idea, but obviously not good enough.
Father Is Guilty, Expelled (For Those Who Received Expulsion)
If you’re honestly grinding to keep your family afloat, the guilt you feel about not spending more time with your kids is true but the decision isn’t worth it. You do what it takes to give and the data shows that you do more than your father did. He raised his head. Being a financial provider and doing more childcare is a double win!
If you work more than you need to, and miss out on your children’s lives not because you have to but because they feed something else – status, prestige, identity, a sense of belonging somewhere – then guilt is not wrong. It’s a feature. Correct information. Listen to it.
Time with your children is not a renewable resource. Work on passion before they wake up, after they go to bed, while they are at school. The middle hours are not for you to make money.
And if your wife or partner tells you that you are not doing enough, before you send data to win the argument, ask yourself what kind of father you really are. Data protection Type 1. Excludes Type 2.
That’s right, type 1 dads. Relax your chest and lift your head up. You’ve earned it. Give yourself a crown with a cake in the middle.
Type 2 — the door is open. Come in. Your children are still here.
Dear fathers, do you feel proud to see the data that shows that you care for children more than the previous generation? Or do you still feel pressured to both provide financially and be more present at home? How did your wife or partner help you relieve that stress?
A recommendation for all fathers
If you’re a dad who shows up – to the doctor’s office, to the bike ride, to the waiting room with a snack – then you already know what’s at stake. Make sure your family is protected even in the worst situations with affordable life insurance.
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